Where Do I Fit In?

Where Do I Fit In?

Let’s be honest. Growing up in a household where “homosexuality is a sin." When you identify as bisexual and you're also black and a boy, is for lack of better words, no easy task. In a community where hyper-masculinity is instilled, it's quite difficult to find a safe-space to talk to someone about having feelings for those of not only the same sex but also the opposite sex which can lead to awkwardness when your family asks about having a girlfriend and you’re not necessarily only attracted to girls, is definitely hard.

And even though I know that “straight-passing” guys have it easier, it still comes with struggles. Constantly, being around your black friends and having homophobic slurs tossed every which way becomes draining and having to pretend it doesn't bother you, its all so draining mentally, physically, and emotionally. You become numb to the constant demeaning of your people. But, every now and again, you speak up and get “Are you gay? Why are you getting so offended?” You recoil and brush it off with a subject changing joke when all you wanted to say is, “Well… not exactly.”  

On the other side of the spectrum, when you do try to explore your sexuality, the LBGTQ+ community rejects you. As far as sexuality, their views align with the bi-phobic views of the HeteroWorld ™. They write you off as a confused gay guy who will eventually neglect his internalized homophobia and “realize” that you’re actually gay or the complete opposite and say that you’re not “gay enough”. From a race standpoint, there is also a narrow two party system. Since non-black communities are more accepting of homosexuality you are more often times than not subject to their taste. You are either subject to their racialized fetishes or you are altogether written off because they “don’t date blacks”. So then the question is posed, “Where do I fit in?”

To be quite honest, I have no concrete answer. I struggle to navigate my way through both black and non-black spaces trying to find solace. Many people have this strange affixation with bisexuality or to be frank, with female bisexuality. This is not only transphobic, bi-phobic, queerphobic and homophobic, but contributes to a deadly environment for bisexual people. It reduces cisgender female bisexuality down to a simple “hot encounter” that is every guy’s dream, simultaneously reinforcing a patriarchal dominant ideal placing a man’s pleasure as a determinant of a woman’s sexuality. This also leaves bisexual men at a crossroads. Do they come out as bisexual and face being emasculated and downright avoided by women for having homoerotic relationships? Or do they stay closeted and face being “outed” and further the stereotype that bisexual men are just “on the down low” and too afraid to admit it? Having this binary system forced upon you gets tiring. Having society tell you that you either have to be one way or the other is tiresome and mentally exhausting. A message to the gay community: You know what it’s like to be told that the way you are and your very existence isn’t valid. Please stand with us and help break down these barriers for all of our people. A message to the straight community: Get your shit together.